Foster kiddos

So there is a little girl in foster care that is pulling on my heart strings. She is an adorable three year old with some developmental delays. I saw her picture about a week ago and I can't stop thinking about her. I finally told Joe and showed him her picture. Of course, being the big softie that he is, he would love to adopt her and make our family hers. :)

What do we need to do? Not sure, so we call Tandie (this is the call that we found out we have another new CW). She is super helpful and gets us the information. In order to adopt out of the state, we would need to take 10 weeks worth of classes, no problem, then apply and see if the state feels we are an appropriate match, ok we can do that, then if we are chosen, she would come home with us and we would start the adoption process. First we would be in a waiting period to make sure she adjusts and we are a match. (Apparently, you can return a child like a pair of jeans??-not cool). Anyway, if the state feels we are a match and she adjusts well, then we can proceed to adopt her.The finalization takes roughly 6-8 months. After that we would be able to go back into the match book and wait for a match.

Or, we can wait until we are matched with our newborn, finalize the adoption and after the baby is 9 months old we can pursue adopting an "older child".

WHAT A CROCK! There are so many children waiting for homes, for forever families, but all the state seems to care about is making you jump through hoops. I am dumbfounded, flabbergasted, irritated beyond words. Dang it, we are a great family, we have the room, the resources, the hearts for children...but the state would rather these kids stay in the system.

After prayerfully considering our options, we have decided that we are not going to pursue the foster adoption situation. Not right now anyway.

A Year

We started our adoption journey in November of 2011, well, we started making plans anyway. We started with research and all that jazz, presented the idea to the kids...we didn't find our agency and official begin the process until the first check was written--December 15, 2011. I thought for sure the process would be quick and relatively simple. I mean, we are a pretty awesome family, we have lots to offer, love, compassion, fun, faith, laughter, adventure.....I was determined that as soon as we went into the match book, we would be matched. I rushed through everything, the classes, the home study, I stayed über busy. AS the clock ticked closer to our letter being put into the match book, and receiving our licensing from the state, my heart began to race and my excitement peaked. I barely hesitated buying little things for the baby. At first I tried to take it easy and just wait, for crying out loud, we didn't know if we would have a boy or a girl and I do NOT want to dress a baby in the wrong gender clothing, but waiting took too long. So, I went gender neutral, we picked up a swing, a play pen, a crib, a car seat, a few basics, cloth diapers, some bottles. Knowing there wasn't much more to buy, we waited and waited and well, we are still waiting.

Let me tell you, the wait is the hardest part of this process. At first, I wouldn't leave a room without attaching my phone to my body, I couldn't bare the idea of missing "the call", however, as time is passing, I am starting to inch further and further away from my phone. I don't jump and hold my breath when it rings, I don't dive across counters trying to answer it before voice mail picks up. Don't get me wrong, I am still crazy excited and can hardly wait until our baby comes home, but I'm just not looking at the situation with as rose colored lenses as I did in the beginning. 

Maybe the glisten has dimmed a little due to the fact that we are now on our THIRD caseworker. First we had Summer, but for whatever reason she was asked to step in and help with the pregnancy department and her caseload was too big. So we were traded off to Tandie. We met her once, and saw her int he office the one time we had a match meeting. Then, we call her to ask about a child in the foster system (another post) and she informs us that she has been promoted and we will now be working with Renee. We were assigned to her on December 17-wow, almost a year to the day from that first check. : / It doesn't make you feel real good to be shuffled around. I have definitely questioned whether or not we have been traded because we are unlikable or because they feel we are unmatchable.

Hmmmm, anyway, it's been a long year, but we are not giving up. God works in crazy ways and always provides...so in my heart of hearts, I know He will provide here too.

More on the decision

OK, I have had some time to process and get more information. Joe called our CW to find out what went wrong, I mean the meeting was so great. We had a wonderful connection-or so we thought. Our CW called me back, she was very sad for us, but she is also super supportive and has a way of putting things into a different perspective. She doesn't pull any punches, which is nice, she just tells you how it is. She explained that T opted to look at another family for two reasons 1) she was worried about our marriage, apparently we interrupted each other while speaking. Maybe we did, but we were nervous and also, after being together for so long, couples tend to finish thoughts and sentences for one another. Oh well. 2) she felt our reason for adoption was simply a whim. WHAT?!?! Yeah, people decide on a whim to adopt....ugh! What a punch to the gut. Our CW also said that T is very much on the fence with placing and the facts that she waited so long in the pregnancy to start looking at families and also that she is wavering on families, are very bad signs. We have come to the understanding that it is better to have a small (although it feels huge) hurt now, than to have the pain of losing the baby after a few days. As our CW said, "sometimes GOd's rejection, is really His protection."

I am struggling, my heart hurts and I feel like we really blew it, but I am doing my best into turn to God and just let his mercy wash over me. I know that this was not our one and only opportunity and God will provide, it's just gonna take some time to heal.

This struggle will make us stronger and we will be ok. I just hope and pray that the wait isn't forever long for our next opportunity. I can hardly wait to bring our baby home. I am looking into some outreach opportunities, we plan to "list" with a few other agencies outside of AZ.

T's decision

This post will be short....the PW called, T has decided to meet another family and not pursue further interaction with us.

There isn't much to share, the phone rang, I answered, the PW was brief, stating the facts and telling me that she would keep me posted if there were any changes. I said ok, thank you and basically hung up. I couldn't bear to be on the phone any longer than that.

I will post more later.

Post meeting

Well, we are back from the meeting and I must say, it went super amazingly well. We got there early (of course right?), and we sat in the lobby waiting. You have to sign in and we were right next to the sign in desk so we decided to move across the room. We were able to see T, when she waled in. She is a tiny brunette, barely 18 years old, with a wealth of life across her face. As she walked in, we said hello (as we did with everyone walking through the doors), she said hi, kept walking then turned around with a grin, pointed and said "I know you from your picture". She sat down and we made small talk and invited her to have her mother sit in on the "meeting" before she actually signed in and the pregnancy worker was notified. The PW came and got T, and then a few minutes later we were shown the way. We sat down in the room and tried to be at ease, but we were nervous and excited. We presented our snacks, which went over quite well, and we proceeded to just chat. Joe and I shared about who we are, the kids and just basic stuff. It was like we were all old friends just catching up. We laughed and giggled. T asked a few questions, are we smokers, why did we choose adoption, how do the kids do in school, do we have a name picked out...her mom wanted to know our testimonies. We talked about tv, cooking, pranks and just random everyday things. Our meeting was cut short since the PW had another appointment. Joe and I stopped in to talk to our caseworker, she was excited and happy for us, but reminded us that T is on the fence. T stayed behind to speak with the PW and her mom went out to smoke. As Joe and I left, we had to walk past her, so we exchanged pleasantries, she wanted to talk though, so we obliged. She wanted to know our take on salvation in regards to falling off the path and what we meant by open adoption (she really wants to be involved). We were just us, honest and straight. We continued to chat for a bit before T came out and we all just stood around talking. We spent about 30 minutes in the parking lot, nobody seemed to want to end the meeting, but eventually we parted ways.
Joe and I drove home, afraid to be excited, but bursting inside with hope. It seemed to have gone so perfectly. Time will tell. Now we just wait for a call from the PW to see if T would like to meet again, trade contact info, move forward......it's going to be a LONG night. 

Getting ready for the meeting

Well, the week has gone by surprisingly fast. I am so excited and slightly nervous about Monday. We were told to prepare some questions and take some pictures along-so I am trying to find pictures that really show who we are, but aren't over the top.I don't want to make this girl think we are crazy, I just want her to see the true us. Anyway, I guess I haven't been too stressed out, nervous or scared, which is rare for me, because I have completely put my trust in God. I know that He has plans for me, for my family and that He will never harm us.

I so want to share every detail about the baby, the BM and everything in between, but I promised myself that until I have anything concrete, I am going to keep it quiet and just keep praying. Just know this-I am already head over heels in love with the baby and super excited at the prospect of adding the BM to our family as well.

I think that tomorrow I will probably start to get very anxious, and come Monday morning, I will be a scatter brained zombie. I have my outfit picked out, I have pictures being printed, I am ready to be open, honest and completely transparent. I will be making some cookies and brownies tomorrow night. Sweet right? Ha, both literally and sentimentally! :) I thought it would be nice to bake some treats, it will both show part of who I am and also provide an ice breaker I suppose.

Well, that's about all. I don't have much else I can share right now, but when I do-I'll be back.

Oh, we probably won't know if she chooses to match with us until Tuesday or Wednesday-maybe longer. I'm really hoping we know sooner than later. It'll be exciting to go shopping on Black Friday. ;)

The call

     So today while I was out having lunch with the kids, my phone rang.I didn't recognize the number and was going to ignore it while I ate, but decided at the last second to answer it. I am so glad that I did, because low and behold, it was the agency calling! A birth mom chose our match letter and wants to meet us!! I went outside to take the call, people walked past looking at me like I was crazy as I sat on the ground ferociously scribbling notes. I went back into the kids, they were excited and nervous,not knowing why I had to go outside. I broke the news and together we stood in the middle of the restaurant, crying tears of joy.
I quickly called Joe and puked out the information. Poor guy, I think his heart was going to explode as I uttered the words-"we got a call, our letter was chosen!" We are going out to meet the birthmom next week. I can hardly wait.I am so very thankful that I have a busy week ahead of me, otherwise I will go crazy with anticipation.
     I'm not ready to share details yet, but I promise as soon as we know anything I will share. Until then, I will be fervently praying for the baby, birthmom and our family.
     PRAISE THE LORD!!! HE IS SO GOOD!! His ways and  His plans are always perfect, even when we don't see the bigger picture.

Staying busy...

So I have decided that since I can't control this adoption, I am at the complete mercy of God and the birth families, I would find some way, any way to be proactive. Which I have. I have been a busy bee! I have set up an online tee shirt fundraiser with a super cute custom designed TEE SHIRT. I am hoping that we will reach our goal of 50 shirts. Not only will we raise money for the adoption, but we will increase awareness as well. Its a win win! I have also set up an only auction with the books and CD's that were donated by some very famous people : ) Books and CD's It's quite exciting. I have also filled out all of the paperwork and am just about ready to send in the grant applications. WooHoo! It feels so good to be actually doing something and not just waiting. Oh and I also set up a match letter on an outside adoption site to increase exposure. Outside match letter No news from anything yet, but in time!!

For now, that is all. I am just very happy to be active. Phew! Sigh of relief, I'm not falling into a weird dysfunct state of sorts. :)

And the wait continues

No news, just an update on the wait.

We have been in the matchbook for 6 months (and 1 week) now. However, it truly feels like it has been years. The waiting is painful! I mentioned in a previous post or two, that we had been contacted by the agency three times to determine if we were interested in being presented. Two of which we said YES, one we declined. Other than that, there hasn't been any activity.

We call our case worker often, I think she is tired of us. She says we aren't bothering her and that we are making it easier on her since she is supposed to contact us once a month, but somehow I think we are more of an annoyance than anything.

For awhile there I stopped doing anything baby related. I stopped making diapers, blankets, stuffed animals...everything. We had the crib in our room, but I had to take it out. The daily reminder of an empty bed was just too much to bear. Yesterday, I did go out with Joe and bought a glider. When the lady we were buying it stepped out of her van-belly and all, I seriously almost puked. My heart tore in half and I felt so stupid. Here I am, buying stuff for a baby that I have no idea when we will have, and she's pregnant. I was able to hold the tears back and put on a friendly facade, but I really just wanted to run away and lock myself in a dark closet. It's not that I wasn't happy for her, I am. It's just hard. Honestly, it isn't something you can empathize with unless you've been in a similar situation. I never related to families that are barren, not when I had my hysterectomy,not when I was left because I couldn't bear children, not when I was called to adopt, but when the wait became a reality and I realized completely that I am at the mercy of God and a birthfamily. Now, I can relate, understand and empathize.

Don't get me wrong here, I totally trust God. I know He will provide, but I am human and my human nature wants to make sense of the situation and put everything into neat little boxes. My human self wants to know when, where and how, and because my human side can't be appeased I get anxious, excited and frustrated. I keep trying to make sense of everything, trying to make it fit into boxes, but so far it hasn't worked. Every chance I had to make a wish, 11:11, birthday candles, shooting stars, my wish was the same, that we would get a call before my birthday. My birthday passed last week. Butterflies have been everywhere lately, and they symbolize change, so I was convinced that meant the baby was coming. The butterflies have since decreased in number and I've come to realize that they are just butterflies, not secret messengers. I have to remember that my time is NOT the same as that of God.

My other problem-shhh don't tell anyone, but I have this compulsive habit of checking the match letter page for the agency to see if there have been any new matches made, new adoptive families added, or if adoptive families that were on hold have had their baby placed. There are currently 19 families awaiting a baby, yesterday there were 20. We are now number 12 on the list-not that it matters, it isn't a waiting order like that. I know the names and faces of the other families....I've read their match letters, compared our families...it's crazt I know, but I can't help myself. I tried to make a promise to myself that I wouldn't check for a week, but that seriously lasted about 4 hours. I check the site several times a day-it has to be unhealthy.

AHHHH I feel so twisted inside. I don't know how to feel. I just want some progress, some answers, some sense.

So I guess now I am rambling and I look like an obsessive lunatic, so I will sign off....I will post more later, hopefully with a more positive update.

In the meantime

We have found that if we sit still waiting for the call, we will go crazy! The negative whispers of "you're not good enough", "you'll never have a baby", "rejection"...become screams.

Its hard, everywhere we go there is someone with a baby or pregnant, in the news there are stories of horrible offenses against children, clinics are providing abortions, all the while, our open arms are left empty.

We do our best to stay busy and maintain some semblance of normalcy around the house, but we also live with hopeful expectation that today is the day. We have the crib built, the play pen set up, the swing ready to go. I've sewn cloth diapers, made a blanket and a teddy bear. We've bought some clothing, but not much, you can only buy so much yellow and green. I take daily doses of fenugreek and chaste berry to  help induce lactation so we can nurse the baby. We have a car seat and monitor ready to be put into use. We have a name picked out. Everything is in order...we just wait.

I will continue to post about the waiting process, the struggles and hurdles, but hopefully not too many posts. I would much rather prefer to share the arrival of our little one and all the joys, fears and milestones associated with a baby.

We wait...and wait...

 Along with all the paperwork we filled out, we had to answer questions regarding the child we wish to have placed with us. Gender, race, exposure to drugs/alcohol, birth mom mental, physical and criminal history, birth father mental, physical and criminal history, exposure to STD's...so many options. Really?!?!? We just want a baby! On a serious note though, we took the time to carefully answer the questions. Do we want a boy or a girl? Either. Race? No preference. exposure to drugs and alcohol? We went with mild to moderate. Mental, physical and criminal history? We noted no preference, the baby will be more a product of nurture than nature. Exposure to STD's? We opted not to go with HIV/AIDS, just because we have to consider Killian, Keagan and Brooke, and we aren't willing to expose them to a disease like that.

With all our answers, the agency coded us, which means the pregnancy counselors know which match letters to present based on the circumstances of the birth family. Honestly, with our answers, matching us should be fairly easy. We are open to lots of situations. Usually you don't know when you are being presented to a birth family, but there are always situations that change the rules.

We got a call from our worker, there was a birthmom in the office and they wanted to know if we were interested in being presented. My initial reaction was YES!! PRESENT US!! But after getting the facts, talking to Joe, crying on my mom's shoulder, doing research and wrestling with God, we came to the conclusion that we wouldn't be capable of providing for all the special needs associated with that baby.That was a horribly hard realization. We were not prepared at all to say no, but in the end, we had to do what was best for the baby. Sadly, the baby wasn't expected to live for very long after birth.

We continued to wait, and wait and wait...then we got another call asking if we were interested in being presented. It was another special circumstance situation, in which our coding didn't quite match, but our caseworker thought we would be interested. We got the facts, did research, prayed and decided that YES, we wanted to be presented!! It felt so right and we really thought it would be a match. After a long weekend, and reading a post on facebook from a fellow adoptive mom with the agency, I knew we were not chosen. Joe called our worker to confirm, we were devastated, but kept moving forward.

Again, we got a call. What is going on?!?!?! Pretty much without thought we said yes, present us!  That was on a Thursday, we were told the family would make a decision by Tuesday. WE were super excited, she was due any day, a little girl! Come Tuesday the phone rang, it was the agency, my heart stopped.She asked how I was? I replied, well, it depends on what you have to tell me. She told me that a match was made, but not with our family. DEVASTATION!! I was thankful to be home alone that day, I spent a great deal of time crying and grieving.

We decided that we really don't want to know when we are presented, its just too hard to accept the rejection. But honestly, if our worker called right now and asked if we wanted to be presented, we would say yes.

And so the journey begins

We applied with the agency and were told first we would need a letter of reference from our pastor. We contacted him, he was happy to write a reference AFTER meeting with us to scrutinize the stability of our marriage, commitment of our faith and dedication to adoption. We were then accepted with the agency, we had several tasks to complete.

We had to:

1. Attend adoption classes
2. complete a homestudy
3. answer a million questions
4. take personality tests
5. take a marriage compatibility test
6. provide fingerprints
7. provide 6 references, related and unrelated
8. pass physical exams
9. pass a rigorous background check
10. attend counseling sessions

all before we would be able to go into the matchbook. We worked hard to complete all the requirements and time passed pretty quickly. The day came to be put into the matchbook-we had our letter prepared a month in advance (can you tell we are excited?). For whatever reason there was a delay and we didn't go into the book. :( A month passed and we were finally added to the book. The wait began.....

What happens next? Well, we will get one of two calls. Call one is a hospital call, which basically means birthmom is in labor and we need to go to the hospital for our baby. Call two is a match meeting call, this means our match letter was presented to birth family and they want to meet with us to see if we are a fit for their baby. If there is a connection, we get put "on hold" and wait for baby to be born. Birth families are usually presented with match letters around 7-8 months, so the wait from that point is relatively short.

Since everything moved pretty quickly, we thought for sure we would be matched almost instantly even though the average wait time from application to placement is roughly 1 year. To our dismay, we have not been matched as of yet. Its been about 9 months since we were accepted with the agency.

After the familymoon

After our familymoon we found our way to normal routines, school, work, laundry, grocery shopping, after school activities.....we assumed the role of a normal, Bradyesque family. We spent our weekends hiking, shopping, playing together, just staying active and together.

We decided before we ever got married that family was a top priority and everything we do will be done as a family or with the family in mind. So, that is what we have continued to do. We are a very close knit family, sometimes too close for comfort (that's when the kids squabble and fight -AHHH!!!)

While life was amazing, Joe and I felt something was missing. We started to argue and pull away from each other. We thought maybe our marriage would fail, but neither of us was willing to lose the other. We had to stay strong and figure things out. As we ached for that missing piece, we grew closer together in our search. Finally We realized what was missing-a baby! However, due to my hysterectomy, we knew that wasn't feasible.Or was it?? Of course we can have a baby. God spoke into our hearts and we knew the way-ADOPTION!

We started doing some research and considering adoption, we really felt this was our calling, but before we took the next step there was one very important thing we needed to do-talk to the kids. We all sat down and we presented the idea to them, we told them what we were thinking and feeling and what we wanted to do, but we wanted to make sure they were on board with this huge decision. Keagan and Brooke were ready to go to the hospital on the spot for a baby, Killian wanted time to think it over. So we waited, and waited and waited....finally he was ready to make the commitment.

We did more research and contacted several agencies. We found one that only accepts 2 couples per month, but they were very promising, and expensive. We were hopeful, we contacted them and heard back, we had the phone interview and within 12 hours we were accepted into the program!! We were so very excited, we were on the way. Our next step was to complete a home study, so we got the information and contacted the agency that provides the study. The lady was very nice and told me all about the agency and how they too offer an adoption program. This was a local agency, that only works with birthmoms here in Arizona. Curious, I asked about fees, to my surprise, they were about 1/4 the cost of the other agency and they guarantee placement, whereas the other agency will only represent you for 18 months, if you aren't matched-too bad, so sad. Without even talking to Joe, who was standing there listening to my side of the conversation, I asked for information and an application to be mailed to us. We got the paperwork the very next day and immediately filled it out and started the adoption journey.

From me to we

I never planned a wedding as a little girl, instead I remember asking God for three children, two boys and a girl,that's all I wanted, however I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to have children.

I was 17 years old when I learned I was pregnant. I was married before my son was born and I continued to dream about my "perfect" family. After Killian was born, the doctors told me I was lucky to have him, to be thankful I had one. My body was a mess and the possibility of conceiving again was slim to none. Five years, almost to the day, my second son, Keagan was born and 6 months later I was pregnant with Brooke.Within a year of her birth I had to have a hysterectomy, since I was still married to the father of my children and I thought life would always stay on the path I had carved, I didn't fret too much over the surgery. I couldn't complain, God blessed me with three children, I had a decent marriage...what could go wrong?

Within months of my surgery, the father of my children moved out and our marriage dissolved. My whole world shattered and turned upside down. I just knew I'd be alone forever and I would end up becoming the "crazy cat lady". I mean who in their right mind would ever want a woman without her "womanly parts" and three kids???? I was resigned to the idea of being on my own, that's when Joe came along and turned my world over again.

We met on myspace, neither of us looking for anything other than a friend to have fun with. I told him upfront about my kids and my surgery, he was super cool with it so we continued to talk. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and after several months of talking we met for a "date". We had a great time, he wanted another date. I said I would only go out with him if his hands were bigger than mine (I have very large hands-he's 6"4', he wasn't worried), so we put our hands together and I knew I was in trouble, not only were his hands a smidge bigger, but there was an intense spark , a literal spark between our hands. Neither of us admitted it, but we knew we loved one another at that moment.

Our next date was a family date, followed very quickly with almost inseparable weekends. We didn't officially start dating until September, three years later we were married. We had a special ceremony, complete with family vows and followed with a family moon.