We have found that if we sit still waiting for the call, we will go crazy! The negative whispers of "you're not good enough", "you'll never have a baby", "rejection"...become screams.
Its hard, everywhere we go there is someone with a baby or pregnant, in the news there are stories of horrible offenses against children, clinics are providing abortions, all the while, our open arms are left empty.
We do our best to stay busy and maintain some semblance of normalcy around the house, but we also live with hopeful expectation that today is the day. We have the crib built, the play pen set up, the swing ready to go. I've sewn cloth diapers, made a blanket and a teddy bear. We've bought some clothing, but not much, you can only buy so much yellow and green. I take daily doses of fenugreek and chaste berry to help induce lactation so we can nurse the baby. We have a car seat and monitor ready to be put into use. We have a name picked out. Everything is in order...we just wait.
I will continue to post about the waiting process, the struggles and hurdles, but hopefully not too many posts. I would much rather prefer to share the arrival of our little one and all the joys, fears and milestones associated with a baby.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
We wait...and wait...
Along with all the paperwork we filled out, we had to answer questions regarding the child we wish to have placed with us. Gender, race, exposure to drugs/alcohol, birth mom mental, physical and criminal history, birth father mental, physical and criminal history, exposure to STD's...so many options. Really?!?!? We just want a baby! On a serious note though, we took the time to carefully answer the questions. Do we want a boy or a girl? Either. Race? No preference. exposure to drugs and alcohol? We went with mild to moderate. Mental, physical and criminal history? We noted no preference, the baby will be more a product of nurture than nature. Exposure to STD's? We opted not to go with HIV/AIDS, just because we have to consider Killian, Keagan and Brooke, and we aren't willing to expose them to a disease like that.
With all our answers, the agency coded us, which means the pregnancy counselors know which match letters to present based on the circumstances of the birth family. Honestly, with our answers, matching us should be fairly easy. We are open to lots of situations. Usually you don't know when you are being presented to a birth family, but there are always situations that change the rules.
We got a call from our worker, there was a birthmom in the office and they wanted to know if we were interested in being presented. My initial reaction was YES!! PRESENT US!! But after getting the facts, talking to Joe, crying on my mom's shoulder, doing research and wrestling with God, we came to the conclusion that we wouldn't be capable of providing for all the special needs associated with that baby.That was a horribly hard realization. We were not prepared at all to say no, but in the end, we had to do what was best for the baby. Sadly, the baby wasn't expected to live for very long after birth.
We continued to wait, and wait and wait...then we got another call asking if we were interested in being presented. It was another special circumstance situation, in which our coding didn't quite match, but our caseworker thought we would be interested. We got the facts, did research, prayed and decided that YES, we wanted to be presented!! It felt so right and we really thought it would be a match. After a long weekend, and reading a post on facebook from a fellow adoptive mom with the agency, I knew we were not chosen. Joe called our worker to confirm, we were devastated, but kept moving forward.
Again, we got a call. What is going on?!?!?! Pretty much without thought we said yes, present us! That was on a Thursday, we were told the family would make a decision by Tuesday. WE were super excited, she was due any day, a little girl! Come Tuesday the phone rang, it was the agency, my heart stopped.She asked how I was? I replied, well, it depends on what you have to tell me. She told me that a match was made, but not with our family. DEVASTATION!! I was thankful to be home alone that day, I spent a great deal of time crying and grieving.
We decided that we really don't want to know when we are presented, its just too hard to accept the rejection. But honestly, if our worker called right now and asked if we wanted to be presented, we would say yes.
With all our answers, the agency coded us, which means the pregnancy counselors know which match letters to present based on the circumstances of the birth family. Honestly, with our answers, matching us should be fairly easy. We are open to lots of situations. Usually you don't know when you are being presented to a birth family, but there are always situations that change the rules.
We got a call from our worker, there was a birthmom in the office and they wanted to know if we were interested in being presented. My initial reaction was YES!! PRESENT US!! But after getting the facts, talking to Joe, crying on my mom's shoulder, doing research and wrestling with God, we came to the conclusion that we wouldn't be capable of providing for all the special needs associated with that baby.That was a horribly hard realization. We were not prepared at all to say no, but in the end, we had to do what was best for the baby. Sadly, the baby wasn't expected to live for very long after birth.
We continued to wait, and wait and wait...then we got another call asking if we were interested in being presented. It was another special circumstance situation, in which our coding didn't quite match, but our caseworker thought we would be interested. We got the facts, did research, prayed and decided that YES, we wanted to be presented!! It felt so right and we really thought it would be a match. After a long weekend, and reading a post on facebook from a fellow adoptive mom with the agency, I knew we were not chosen. Joe called our worker to confirm, we were devastated, but kept moving forward.
Again, we got a call. What is going on?!?!?! Pretty much without thought we said yes, present us! That was on a Thursday, we were told the family would make a decision by Tuesday. WE were super excited, she was due any day, a little girl! Come Tuesday the phone rang, it was the agency, my heart stopped.She asked how I was? I replied, well, it depends on what you have to tell me. She told me that a match was made, but not with our family. DEVASTATION!! I was thankful to be home alone that day, I spent a great deal of time crying and grieving.
We decided that we really don't want to know when we are presented, its just too hard to accept the rejection. But honestly, if our worker called right now and asked if we wanted to be presented, we would say yes.
And so the journey begins
We applied with the agency and were told first we would need a letter of reference from our pastor. We contacted him, he was happy to write a reference AFTER meeting with us to scrutinize the stability of our marriage, commitment of our faith and dedication to adoption. We were then accepted with the agency, we had several tasks to complete.
We had to:
What happens next? Well, we will get one of two calls. Call one is a hospital call, which basically means birthmom is in labor and we need to go to the hospital for our baby. Call two is a match meeting call, this means our match letter was presented to birth family and they want to meet with us to see if we are a fit for their baby. If there is a connection, we get put "on hold" and wait for baby to be born. Birth families are usually presented with match letters around 7-8 months, so the wait from that point is relatively short.
Since everything moved pretty quickly, we thought for sure we would be matched almost instantly even though the average wait time from application to placement is roughly 1 year. To our dismay, we have not been matched as of yet. Its been about 9 months since we were accepted with the agency.
We had to:
- Attend adoption classes
- complete a homestudy
- answer a million questions
- take personality tests
- take a marriage compatibility test
- provide fingerprints
- provide 6 references, related and unrelated
- pass physical exams
- pass a rigorous background check
- attend counseling sessions
What happens next? Well, we will get one of two calls. Call one is a hospital call, which basically means birthmom is in labor and we need to go to the hospital for our baby. Call two is a match meeting call, this means our match letter was presented to birth family and they want to meet with us to see if we are a fit for their baby. If there is a connection, we get put "on hold" and wait for baby to be born. Birth families are usually presented with match letters around 7-8 months, so the wait from that point is relatively short.
Since everything moved pretty quickly, we thought for sure we would be matched almost instantly even though the average wait time from application to placement is roughly 1 year. To our dismay, we have not been matched as of yet. Its been about 9 months since we were accepted with the agency.
After the familymoon
After our familymoon we found our way to normal routines, school, work, laundry, grocery shopping, after school activities.....we assumed the role of a normal, Bradyesque family. We spent our weekends hiking, shopping, playing together, just staying active and together.
We decided before we ever got married that family was a top priority and everything we do will be done as a family or with the family in mind. So, that is what we have continued to do. We are a very close knit family, sometimes too close for comfort (that's when the kids squabble and fight -AHHH!!!)
While life was amazing, Joe and I felt something was missing. We started to argue and pull away from each other. We thought maybe our marriage would fail, but neither of us was willing to lose the other. We had to stay strong and figure things out. As we ached for that missing piece, we grew closer together in our search. Finally We realized what was missing-a baby! However, due to my hysterectomy, we knew that wasn't feasible.Or was it?? Of course we can have a baby. God spoke into our hearts and we knew the way-ADOPTION!
We started doing some research and considering adoption, we really felt this was our calling, but before we took the next step there was one very important thing we needed to do-talk to the kids. We all sat down and we presented the idea to them, we told them what we were thinking and feeling and what we wanted to do, but we wanted to make sure they were on board with this huge decision. Keagan and Brooke were ready to go to the hospital on the spot for a baby, Killian wanted time to think it over. So we waited, and waited and waited....finally he was ready to make the commitment.
We did more research and contacted several agencies. We found one that only accepts 2 couples per month, but they were very promising, and expensive. We were hopeful, we contacted them and heard back, we had the phone interview and within 12 hours we were accepted into the program!! We were so very excited, we were on the way. Our next step was to complete a home study, so we got the information and contacted the agency that provides the study. The lady was very nice and told me all about the agency and how they too offer an adoption program. This was a local agency, that only works with birthmoms here in Arizona. Curious, I asked about fees, to my surprise, they were about 1/4 the cost of the other agency and they guarantee placement, whereas the other agency will only represent you for 18 months, if you aren't matched-too bad, so sad. Without even talking to Joe, who was standing there listening to my side of the conversation, I asked for information and an application to be mailed to us. We got the paperwork the very next day and immediately filled it out and started the adoption journey.
We decided before we ever got married that family was a top priority and everything we do will be done as a family or with the family in mind. So, that is what we have continued to do. We are a very close knit family, sometimes too close for comfort (that's when the kids squabble and fight -AHHH!!!)
While life was amazing, Joe and I felt something was missing. We started to argue and pull away from each other. We thought maybe our marriage would fail, but neither of us was willing to lose the other. We had to stay strong and figure things out. As we ached for that missing piece, we grew closer together in our search. Finally We realized what was missing-a baby! However, due to my hysterectomy, we knew that wasn't feasible.Or was it?? Of course we can have a baby. God spoke into our hearts and we knew the way-ADOPTION!
We started doing some research and considering adoption, we really felt this was our calling, but before we took the next step there was one very important thing we needed to do-talk to the kids. We all sat down and we presented the idea to them, we told them what we were thinking and feeling and what we wanted to do, but we wanted to make sure they were on board with this huge decision. Keagan and Brooke were ready to go to the hospital on the spot for a baby, Killian wanted time to think it over. So we waited, and waited and waited....finally he was ready to make the commitment.
We did more research and contacted several agencies. We found one that only accepts 2 couples per month, but they were very promising, and expensive. We were hopeful, we contacted them and heard back, we had the phone interview and within 12 hours we were accepted into the program!! We were so very excited, we were on the way. Our next step was to complete a home study, so we got the information and contacted the agency that provides the study. The lady was very nice and told me all about the agency and how they too offer an adoption program. This was a local agency, that only works with birthmoms here in Arizona. Curious, I asked about fees, to my surprise, they were about 1/4 the cost of the other agency and they guarantee placement, whereas the other agency will only represent you for 18 months, if you aren't matched-too bad, so sad. Without even talking to Joe, who was standing there listening to my side of the conversation, I asked for information and an application to be mailed to us. We got the paperwork the very next day and immediately filled it out and started the adoption journey.
From me to we
I never planned a wedding as a little girl, instead I remember asking God for three children, two boys and a girl,that's all I wanted, however I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to have children.
I was 17 years old when I learned I was pregnant. I was married before my son was born and I continued to dream about my "perfect" family. After Killian was born, the doctors told me I was lucky to have him, to be thankful I had one. My body was a mess and the possibility of conceiving again was slim to none. Five years, almost to the day, my second son, Keagan was born and 6 months later I was pregnant with Brooke.Within a year of her birth I had to have a hysterectomy, since I was still married to the father of my children and I thought life would always stay on the path I had carved, I didn't fret too much over the surgery. I couldn't complain, God blessed me with three children, I had a decent marriage...what could go wrong?
Within months of my surgery, the father of my children moved out and our marriage dissolved. My whole world shattered and turned upside down. I just knew I'd be alone forever and I would end up becoming the "crazy cat lady". I mean who in their right mind would ever want a woman without her "womanly parts" and three kids???? I was resigned to the idea of being on my own, that's when Joe came along and turned my world over again.
We met on myspace, neither of us looking for anything other than a friend to have fun with. I told him upfront about my kids and my surgery, he was super cool with it so we continued to talk. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and after several months of talking we met for a "date". We had a great time, he wanted another date. I said I would only go out with him if his hands were bigger than mine (I have very large hands-he's 6"4', he wasn't worried), so we put our hands together and I knew I was in trouble, not only were his hands a smidge bigger, but there was an intense spark , a literal spark between our hands. Neither of us admitted it, but we knew we loved one another at that moment.
Our next date was a family date, followed very quickly with almost inseparable weekends. We didn't officially start dating until September, three years later we were married. We had a special ceremony, complete with family vows and followed with a family moon.
I was 17 years old when I learned I was pregnant. I was married before my son was born and I continued to dream about my "perfect" family. After Killian was born, the doctors told me I was lucky to have him, to be thankful I had one. My body was a mess and the possibility of conceiving again was slim to none. Five years, almost to the day, my second son, Keagan was born and 6 months later I was pregnant with Brooke.Within a year of her birth I had to have a hysterectomy, since I was still married to the father of my children and I thought life would always stay on the path I had carved, I didn't fret too much over the surgery. I couldn't complain, God blessed me with three children, I had a decent marriage...what could go wrong?
Within months of my surgery, the father of my children moved out and our marriage dissolved. My whole world shattered and turned upside down. I just knew I'd be alone forever and I would end up becoming the "crazy cat lady". I mean who in their right mind would ever want a woman without her "womanly parts" and three kids???? I was resigned to the idea of being on my own, that's when Joe came along and turned my world over again.
We met on myspace, neither of us looking for anything other than a friend to have fun with. I told him upfront about my kids and my surgery, he was super cool with it so we continued to talk. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and after several months of talking we met for a "date". We had a great time, he wanted another date. I said I would only go out with him if his hands were bigger than mine (I have very large hands-he's 6"4', he wasn't worried), so we put our hands together and I knew I was in trouble, not only were his hands a smidge bigger, but there was an intense spark , a literal spark between our hands. Neither of us admitted it, but we knew we loved one another at that moment.
Our next date was a family date, followed very quickly with almost inseparable weekends. We didn't officially start dating until September, three years later we were married. We had a special ceremony, complete with family vows and followed with a family moon.
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