No news, just an update on the wait.
We have been in the matchbook for 6 months (and 1 week) now. However, it truly feels like it has been years. The waiting is painful! I mentioned in a previous post or two, that we had been contacted by the agency three times to determine if we were interested in being presented. Two of which we said YES, one we declined. Other than that, there hasn't been any activity.
We call our case worker often, I think she is tired of us. She says we aren't bothering her and that we are making it easier on her since she is supposed to contact us once a month, but somehow I think we are more of an annoyance than anything.
For awhile there I stopped doing anything baby related. I stopped making diapers, blankets, stuffed animals...everything. We had the crib in our room, but I had to take it out. The daily reminder of an empty bed was just too much to bear. Yesterday, I did go out with Joe and bought a glider. When the lady we were buying it stepped out of her van-belly and all, I seriously almost puked. My heart tore in half and I felt so stupid. Here I am, buying stuff for a baby that I have no idea when we will have, and she's pregnant. I was able to hold the tears back and put on a friendly facade, but I really just wanted to run away and lock myself in a dark closet. It's not that I wasn't happy for her, I am. It's just hard. Honestly, it isn't something you can empathize with unless you've been in a similar situation. I never related to families that are barren, not when I had my hysterectomy,not when I was left because I couldn't bear children, not when I was called to adopt, but when the wait became a reality and I realized completely that I am at the mercy of God and a birthfamily. Now, I can relate, understand and empathize.
Don't get me wrong here, I totally trust God. I know He will provide, but I am human and my human nature wants to make sense of the situation and put everything into neat little boxes. My human self wants to know when, where and how, and because my human side can't be appeased I get anxious, excited and frustrated. I keep trying to make sense of everything, trying to make it fit into boxes, but so far it hasn't worked. Every chance I had to make a wish, 11:11, birthday candles, shooting stars, my wish was the same, that we would get a call before my birthday. My birthday passed last week. Butterflies have been everywhere lately, and they symbolize change, so I was convinced that meant the baby was coming. The butterflies have since decreased in number and I've come to realize that they are just butterflies, not secret messengers. I have to remember that my time is NOT the same as that of God.
My other problem-shhh don't tell anyone, but I have this compulsive habit of checking the match letter page for the agency to see if there have been any new matches made, new adoptive families added, or if adoptive families that were on hold have had their baby placed. There are currently 19 families awaiting a baby, yesterday there were 20. We are now number 12 on the list-not that it matters, it isn't a waiting order like that. I know the names and faces of the other families....I've read their match letters, compared our families...it's crazt I know, but I can't help myself. I tried to make a promise to myself that I wouldn't check for a week, but that seriously lasted about 4 hours. I check the site several times a day-it has to be unhealthy.
AHHHH I feel so twisted inside. I don't know how to feel. I just want some progress, some answers, some sense.
So I guess now I am rambling and I look like an obsessive lunatic, so I will sign off....I will post more later, hopefully with a more positive update.
