Overwhelmed with emotion

We've been submitting our profile to different agencies to present to the "outreach" situations. The situations are posted on websites and Facebook. We read them, pray and then submit our info if we feel led. I told you last week about a local agency. Since then we submitted to one to Georgia.

OK, so here is how it happened, last Thursday before I left the house I browsed Facebook and came across a post about a baby due in May, the agency needed profiles by the following day. I called Joe, we talked and decided to give it a shot. We sent in our profile. To be honest, we forgot about the situation. It was Brooke's birthday weekend and life was just hectic.

We are waiting to hear from the local agency. The EM meets with the CW today. She is due in April.

In the meantime, yesterday, Joe got an email, something about Skype. He called me wanting to know, I had no idea, so he forwarded the email. Low and behold, it was a message from Georgia, the EM wanted to have a Skype meeting with us at 12:30. We don't have Skype, we don't have a webcam...ahhhh! Quick, Apple to the rescue, there's an app for that! I downloaded Skype onto my phone, Joe arranged to come home from work for the meeting.

I spent my morning staying as busy as possible, I just cant sit around and think about the baby all the time. It breaks my heart. Joe got home just in time for the call.

The caseworker called us to tell us how to set Skype up, cause apparently you have to be "friends" before you can make calls. We got it all set up and she called us back to start the conference.

The video on her end didn't work, so all we saw was the logo for the agency. We were very nervous. Joyce, the EM called Joe out on his nerves, but admitted that she too was nervous. Apparently, she had been matched before, but because the baby is biracial the other family backed out (so sad!). I, me, the shy little noodle, dominated the conversation on our end. I had lots I wanted to share. The call lasted 19 minutes. Joyce had another family to call, but would try to make a decision in the evening.

We got an email from the agency in Utah wanting to know if we would like to be presented to an EM due in March. 

Yesterday at 2:48, my phone rang with a Georgia number. I excused myself (Girl Scouts was just about the start, I left my co-leader standing in the kitchen waiting on the girls), went to my room and took the call. It was the CW asking how I felt the call had gone. And then-BAM! She layed it on me, Joyce wants us to be the parents of her baby! After all this time, all the rejections, all the heartache, all the low moments, we are going to have a baby!

I thought I was going to pass out, the room started to spin, I couldn't catch my breath, my brain left my body and I couldn't form a response. I finally regained enough composure to say thank you, voice my excitement, and ask our next steps.

I couldn't share the news-not until Joe knew and not until we told the kids, so I had to go through our girl scout meeting with this giant secret bubbling inside me. I did send Joe a picture, a picture of a positive pregnancy test. Being the doofus that he is, he wasn't quite sure of what I was telling him. He sent a question, I confirmed. After Girl Scouts, he made it home and we took the kids out to dinner to spring the news and celebrate.

Rather than go eat, we pulled off the side of the road to go geocaching. Joe asked where the closest cache was, I replied Georgia. The kids were so confused, what is in Georgia they asked. I very evenly replied, your new baby brother. It took a minute to sink in, but as soon as it did they got super excited and had a gazzillion questions. We answered everything the best we could and then went on to dinner (we never did make it, too many people, so we ate at home).

So there you have it----WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!

Now to raise the money needed to bring him home-better get a move on the Both Hands Project. Oh wait, you don't know what that is. I will post that later today. Right now I need to go get the kiddos from school.

Good and not so good

Let's start off with the good. I was able to deliver all of our registration, clearances, and profile books to the agency here in AZ. It was quite the drive! First, I went to the wrong address-it was a UPS store, then I got to the agency and they were out. There was a note for UPS saying to leave packages across the way, so I took my stuff over and asked if I could leave it too. LOL! They said yes, then I emailed, called and left a note under the door letting them know I dropped everything off. They have since let me know that they got everything and our profile will be shown on Wednesday the 6th.

Now for the not so good. :( Never fun to share unpleasant news, but unfortunately the downs are as much a part of adoption as the ups. The CW from Utah sent a text, stating that we were not chosen. She said "so sorry, you guys weren't chosen, hang in there:) " Ugh, could that be just a little bit more impersonal or cold? I thanked her for letting us know and she replied with, others will come. I feel like I am out hunting quail not waiting on God to finish knitting. She also said that we may need a new profile, since we are up against some really well done hard bound books-the competition is steep. I don't want to compete! I just want someone to recognize what a wonderful, loving, kind, open family we are and want to join us. We aren't looking for just a baby, but an extended family as well.

We are saddened and disappointed, but we know that God has a plan, a plan not to harm us, but to prosper us, give us hope and a future!

I really am trying to be positive and happy for the family that was chosen. Who knows, maybe their jpurney has been even more bumpy than ours..................

Oh and to top off my day, Anna/Rachel, whoever she is, decided to send another email letting us know that she has opted to work with a different family. That doesn't bother me much, cause I am almost 100% positive that she is a scam artist. Scamming for what you ask? Nothing! She is simply an emotional scammer. Pretty messed up!



2/7/13*****update on Anna/Rachel-she contacted another member on the FB adoption page, who wanted to refer her to an AZ family so the adoption could stay open, well I happened to be the AZ contact-the other member shared the details of Anna (who is now back to being called Rachel), due in mid June (Was April 20) lives in Yuma (was Paulden)..lots of inconsistencies. So the member asked her about me, haha Rachel told her that I was too close to her and it would make it painful to be so close, she no longer wants an open adoption, and also her and I just couldn't agree on what would be best for baby.What a crock! So yeah, it was a scam, sad though, this girl needs some serious help.

She's looking now!

Holy macaroni, the birthmom in Alabama is looking at our profile right now! We got a text from the CW asking our motivations for adopting.

How in the world are we supposed to function? I don't know what is harder, knowing when you are being presented or not knowing. I suppose that knowing has its own set of difficulties to swallow, like for instance the rejection, the disappointment of not being selected.

If this mom chooses us, we will have to go to Utah when baby is born. One of us will have to stay for 7-10 business days while the states work together to make everything legal. Hmmm, I think a trip to Utah could be quite nice. We obviously would make it a family event. Like an extra Spring break :)

Being presented...

We just got a call from the agency we are working with in Utah. There is a birthmom in Alabama who is due the end of February. She is having a little boy and needs to match with a family. There are only a few family profiles for her to look at, so our odds are pretty good. She will look at profiles next week. We will see!

In the meantime there is an agency here in AZ with a birthmom due in April, looking for families to be presented. We have printed off our information and will be taking everything out to them on Monday. Oh boy oh boy! We could potentially have 2 babies!!! There isn't a ;aw saying you have to wait a certain time frame in between adoptions.

The money?? Um, I don't know. I guess last night when Joe said he doesn't care how much it costs, he just wants a baby--yep, he was heard loud and clear!

Update on Anna/Rachel

Out of the blue she contacted us again to say that she is having a girl. She decided to find out because another family wanted to know. I asked her to send a picture of the ultrasound. She agreed but said she would be blacking out the private information on the image. WHAT?!?!
She never did send the image. She just changed the subject and asked what our pastor thinks if our plan to adopt. Rather than get into it with her, I simply said, we really need to work through the agency. No reply...imagine that.

Crushed

We got an email from a second expectant mom, due in late July. How exciting, we could possibly adopt a baby due in late April then three months later another baby!!! Only something didn't feel right. The first mom, Annam shared lots of info and seemed very genuine. The second mom, Rachel, didn't communicate as frequently so we didn't know much about her.
Anna asked us early on if we would be willing to compromise on names, of course. Rachel asked us if we had a name and we shared the name. She then told us the names she liked-nothing remotely close to ours. That night I felt led to ask Anna what names she had in mind since she wanted to know if we would compromise. Yup, she named OUR name! HUGE RED FLAG! I tried to reason it away and make light if the "coincidence", however, it kept niggling at the back of my mind.
That night-Monday, I decided to do some online sleuthing. First I tried googling both names, nothing. So I went to trusty old Facebook (HAHA, trusty). I wasn't able to find Anna, but to my astonishment, I found Rachel-with Anna's picture and pictures of her son and it said she lives in Oklahoma. WHAT?!?!?!?!?
I asked Anna about it, but was vague, I never mentioned Rachel or Facebook. Anna explained that Rachel is her sister, and she must have contacted us because apparently she is pregnant and placing too. Hmmm, fishy, very very fishy! I accepted her answer though, but was very guarded.
The next day we contacted our CW for help, but of course she was out of the office.
Back to Facebook! I went to one of the adoption sites and mentioned that I felt like we were in a scammer situation. A fellow mom asked me for the names involved so she could research on a yahoo scam board. In the meantime another mom sent me the link to join the yahoo page as well. The first fellow mom emailed me quite quickly with the information she found-Anna and Rachel and the same person, and it is indeed a scam. I guess she was kicked off of the adoptimist web page several times but keeps changing her name to regain access.
I called Anna out on this new revelation, she replied with, "I'm glad you think I'm a liar". I didn't say that. Before I could respond, Rachel sent a message saying she was so sorry, she was just trying to sabotage Anna because she didn't want her to place her baby, and we shouldn't be mad at Anna. I replied to both messages stating that we would be happy to work through the agency if everything truly is legit.
We left a message for our CW right away.
I talked to our CW and explained everything, she said it definitely sounds like a scam and there had been some red flags on their end as well. She would keep me updated.
Wondering why she would scam us-she didn't ask for money. Accirding to our CW & people from the adoption community, scammers like the power and control and just enjoy causing emotional trauma. UGH!
Rather than be angry, we have decided that we will pray for Anna, or whatever her name is. We will use this as a learning experience and a tool to help us grow and stretch in our faith. It's definitely hard, but really what other choice do we have? Being angry and having animosity takes up so much more energy than I am willing to expel on this situation. Moving on....
Yeah, moving on, until I got an email from my CW. Apparently Anna contacted them again and said that someone contacted us using her picture and that her name is on a watch list but she still wants to match with us. First of all, nobody contacted us with her picture, I found that through my snoopy nature and second, I told her that she had to know that the adoption community was talking about her name-so she still wasn't honest with the pregnancy worker. The agency is proceeding with extreme caution. We will not be communicating with Anna or Rachel unless it is through the agency.

Blessings

For Christmas I asked for The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson. It's a tiny book, written about a powerful prayer in 1 Chronicles 4:9-10. Basically it is a bold prayer cried out by Jabez, a prayer asking God to abundantly bless him, walk with him, expand his borders and keep him far from evil- and God does so! This book challenges the reader to take a bold stand and ask the same things of God. Well, after reading the book, I dared to stand before God and ask Him to bless me, to walk with me, open my horizons and keep my path straight. I did so with an expectant heart and He answered!
We got an email from a girl who is about 5 months pregnant and considering adoption. She found our profile on adoptimist.com. She isn't working with an agency at the moment. So I emailed her back and we have spent the past three days in communication via email. We have talked about all sorts of things, from hobbies to being present during birth. She has contacted our agency and is getting set up with a pregnancy worker. Now of course I know that this does not mean that she is ready to make an adoption plan and that she may decide to look at another family, but in the mean time this is exciting news. I know that God has answered my prayers, what His will is, I am yet to find out, but until then, I plan to show her God's love and be a support system to her.
So, there you have it...a bold, deliberate prayer answered loud and clear. Never underestimate what our God can and will do when we just submit to Him.

Other opportunities

We contacted Renee, our CW and made some changes to our child desired form. We are open to more drug/alcohol exposure, mental illnesses and criminal history (conception by rape). Maybe that will help us get matched.

We also submitted our profile to three birth moms:
California, baby was already born. He had DS, full Chinese (ADORABLE). A CA family was given priority, so we were not matched. But the family that was chosen, seems like a great family. I read their blog. They have 8 other children, mostly adopted. 
 Michigan, due March 19. We along with one other family were presented to her last Friday. However, other families have come forward wanting to be presented so she needs to look over those profiles before making a decision. Hopefully she will have narrowed it down at least by next week. She is having a girl. Alcohol and drug exposure has been slightly significant and will more than likely leave the baby with some FAS.
A mom in New Jersey due January 27. AA/Caucasian girl. No drug/alcohol exposure. We had to submit an application, send our match letter and jump through a few hoops. Got an email yesterday, all our info was being sent to the "outreach" worker and she would be in touch. Not sure if we will be presented for this situation.

We created an online profile with myadoptionagencies.com. They work with several agencies across the nation, so now we are exposed to even more potential EM's.

All we can do is continue to put ourselves out there, pray and lean on God.

Craigslist

I know it sounds odd, but yep, we have been posting on Craigslist. I read lots of different success stories and apparently that is the direction the adoption world is moving.

We were leery, but figures its worth a shot. So we posted a few ads on CL, just saying we are looking to grow our family through adoption and asking the EM to contact us for a link to our web page.

We created a web page with lots of pictures of the two of us along with information and facts about our lives. We also noted our desire to have an open adoption and that we are open to gender, race, ethnicity... For the kids and the dog, we used silhouette images and very vague non-identifying information. Basically, we just put that they are between the ages of 8-15 and some general interests, traits and hobbies. I don't want some weirdo whack job creeper looking at my kids. I did explain that while we are striving to be transparent, we are also very protective of our family. We are happy to share some info on our children, but until we develop a relationship, we will keep their names and images private.

Anyway, we GOT A HIT!!! A 23 year old girl who is living at home with her parents trying to raise three kids. The father of the kids is in prison, she got pregnant with another guy and doesn't want the first guy to know. I emailed back and forth with her, but she kept coming back to the same subject-money.  She wanted to get out on her own and was hoping that by making an adoption plan, she would be able to do so. I explained what I knew about birth mom expenses and told her that everything would go through the agency. I also asked how she would support herself and children after the baby was born. She didn't want to work, she just wanted a free ride. Hmm, alarms went off, but I kept talking to her. She sent a picture of herself and kids, but it didn't add up, so I got nosey and went looking on Facebook. BAM, found her! Totally not pregnant, not even a mom. UGH, a scam. :( She never emailed back after I said that the agency wouldn't provide 100% living expenses.

We posted more ads, but all the ads here in AZ were being flagged and deleted-we think by the one other family that was placing similar ads in the area. Guess they didn't want any "competition". LOL!

Not to worry, we didn't give up. We posted more ads, and got another hit, but she was looking for a Latino family. OK, discouraged, but not devastated-more ads. Another hit! This time she asked for a link to our site, no word back. Keep posting, another hit....not as excited, but still hopeful. I sent her our link and some words of encouragement....no reply.

We will keep trying....

Foster kiddos

So there is a little girl in foster care that is pulling on my heart strings. She is an adorable three year old with some developmental delays. I saw her picture about a week ago and I can't stop thinking about her. I finally told Joe and showed him her picture. Of course, being the big softie that he is, he would love to adopt her and make our family hers. :)

What do we need to do? Not sure, so we call Tandie (this is the call that we found out we have another new CW). She is super helpful and gets us the information. In order to adopt out of the state, we would need to take 10 weeks worth of classes, no problem, then apply and see if the state feels we are an appropriate match, ok we can do that, then if we are chosen, she would come home with us and we would start the adoption process. First we would be in a waiting period to make sure she adjusts and we are a match. (Apparently, you can return a child like a pair of jeans??-not cool). Anyway, if the state feels we are a match and she adjusts well, then we can proceed to adopt her.The finalization takes roughly 6-8 months. After that we would be able to go back into the match book and wait for a match.

Or, we can wait until we are matched with our newborn, finalize the adoption and after the baby is 9 months old we can pursue adopting an "older child".

WHAT A CROCK! There are so many children waiting for homes, for forever families, but all the state seems to care about is making you jump through hoops. I am dumbfounded, flabbergasted, irritated beyond words. Dang it, we are a great family, we have the room, the resources, the hearts for children...but the state would rather these kids stay in the system.

After prayerfully considering our options, we have decided that we are not going to pursue the foster adoption situation. Not right now anyway.

A Year

We started our adoption journey in November of 2011, well, we started making plans anyway. We started with research and all that jazz, presented the idea to the kids...we didn't find our agency and official begin the process until the first check was written--December 15, 2011. I thought for sure the process would be quick and relatively simple. I mean, we are a pretty awesome family, we have lots to offer, love, compassion, fun, faith, laughter, adventure.....I was determined that as soon as we went into the match book, we would be matched. I rushed through everything, the classes, the home study, I stayed über busy. AS the clock ticked closer to our letter being put into the match book, and receiving our licensing from the state, my heart began to race and my excitement peaked. I barely hesitated buying little things for the baby. At first I tried to take it easy and just wait, for crying out loud, we didn't know if we would have a boy or a girl and I do NOT want to dress a baby in the wrong gender clothing, but waiting took too long. So, I went gender neutral, we picked up a swing, a play pen, a crib, a car seat, a few basics, cloth diapers, some bottles. Knowing there wasn't much more to buy, we waited and waited and well, we are still waiting.

Let me tell you, the wait is the hardest part of this process. At first, I wouldn't leave a room without attaching my phone to my body, I couldn't bare the idea of missing "the call", however, as time is passing, I am starting to inch further and further away from my phone. I don't jump and hold my breath when it rings, I don't dive across counters trying to answer it before voice mail picks up. Don't get me wrong, I am still crazy excited and can hardly wait until our baby comes home, but I'm just not looking at the situation with as rose colored lenses as I did in the beginning. 

Maybe the glisten has dimmed a little due to the fact that we are now on our THIRD caseworker. First we had Summer, but for whatever reason she was asked to step in and help with the pregnancy department and her caseload was too big. So we were traded off to Tandie. We met her once, and saw her int he office the one time we had a match meeting. Then, we call her to ask about a child in the foster system (another post) and she informs us that she has been promoted and we will now be working with Renee. We were assigned to her on December 17-wow, almost a year to the day from that first check. : / It doesn't make you feel real good to be shuffled around. I have definitely questioned whether or not we have been traded because we are unlikable or because they feel we are unmatchable.

Hmmmm, anyway, it's been a long year, but we are not giving up. God works in crazy ways and always provides...so in my heart of hearts, I know He will provide here too.

More on the decision

OK, I have had some time to process and get more information. Joe called our CW to find out what went wrong, I mean the meeting was so great. We had a wonderful connection-or so we thought. Our CW called me back, she was very sad for us, but she is also super supportive and has a way of putting things into a different perspective. She doesn't pull any punches, which is nice, she just tells you how it is. She explained that T opted to look at another family for two reasons 1) she was worried about our marriage, apparently we interrupted each other while speaking. Maybe we did, but we were nervous and also, after being together for so long, couples tend to finish thoughts and sentences for one another. Oh well. 2) she felt our reason for adoption was simply a whim. WHAT?!?! Yeah, people decide on a whim to adopt....ugh! What a punch to the gut. Our CW also said that T is very much on the fence with placing and the facts that she waited so long in the pregnancy to start looking at families and also that she is wavering on families, are very bad signs. We have come to the understanding that it is better to have a small (although it feels huge) hurt now, than to have the pain of losing the baby after a few days. As our CW said, "sometimes GOd's rejection, is really His protection."

I am struggling, my heart hurts and I feel like we really blew it, but I am doing my best into turn to God and just let his mercy wash over me. I know that this was not our one and only opportunity and God will provide, it's just gonna take some time to heal.

This struggle will make us stronger and we will be ok. I just hope and pray that the wait isn't forever long for our next opportunity. I can hardly wait to bring our baby home. I am looking into some outreach opportunities, we plan to "list" with a few other agencies outside of AZ.

T's decision

This post will be short....the PW called, T has decided to meet another family and not pursue further interaction with us.

There isn't much to share, the phone rang, I answered, the PW was brief, stating the facts and telling me that she would keep me posted if there were any changes. I said ok, thank you and basically hung up. I couldn't bear to be on the phone any longer than that.

I will post more later.

Post meeting

Well, we are back from the meeting and I must say, it went super amazingly well. We got there early (of course right?), and we sat in the lobby waiting. You have to sign in and we were right next to the sign in desk so we decided to move across the room. We were able to see T, when she waled in. She is a tiny brunette, barely 18 years old, with a wealth of life across her face. As she walked in, we said hello (as we did with everyone walking through the doors), she said hi, kept walking then turned around with a grin, pointed and said "I know you from your picture". She sat down and we made small talk and invited her to have her mother sit in on the "meeting" before she actually signed in and the pregnancy worker was notified. The PW came and got T, and then a few minutes later we were shown the way. We sat down in the room and tried to be at ease, but we were nervous and excited. We presented our snacks, which went over quite well, and we proceeded to just chat. Joe and I shared about who we are, the kids and just basic stuff. It was like we were all old friends just catching up. We laughed and giggled. T asked a few questions, are we smokers, why did we choose adoption, how do the kids do in school, do we have a name picked out...her mom wanted to know our testimonies. We talked about tv, cooking, pranks and just random everyday things. Our meeting was cut short since the PW had another appointment. Joe and I stopped in to talk to our caseworker, she was excited and happy for us, but reminded us that T is on the fence. T stayed behind to speak with the PW and her mom went out to smoke. As Joe and I left, we had to walk past her, so we exchanged pleasantries, she wanted to talk though, so we obliged. She wanted to know our take on salvation in regards to falling off the path and what we meant by open adoption (she really wants to be involved). We were just us, honest and straight. We continued to chat for a bit before T came out and we all just stood around talking. We spent about 30 minutes in the parking lot, nobody seemed to want to end the meeting, but eventually we parted ways.
Joe and I drove home, afraid to be excited, but bursting inside with hope. It seemed to have gone so perfectly. Time will tell. Now we just wait for a call from the PW to see if T would like to meet again, trade contact info, move forward......it's going to be a LONG night. 

Getting ready for the meeting

Well, the week has gone by surprisingly fast. I am so excited and slightly nervous about Monday. We were told to prepare some questions and take some pictures along-so I am trying to find pictures that really show who we are, but aren't over the top.I don't want to make this girl think we are crazy, I just want her to see the true us. Anyway, I guess I haven't been too stressed out, nervous or scared, which is rare for me, because I have completely put my trust in God. I know that He has plans for me, for my family and that He will never harm us.

I so want to share every detail about the baby, the BM and everything in between, but I promised myself that until I have anything concrete, I am going to keep it quiet and just keep praying. Just know this-I am already head over heels in love with the baby and super excited at the prospect of adding the BM to our family as well.

I think that tomorrow I will probably start to get very anxious, and come Monday morning, I will be a scatter brained zombie. I have my outfit picked out, I have pictures being printed, I am ready to be open, honest and completely transparent. I will be making some cookies and brownies tomorrow night. Sweet right? Ha, both literally and sentimentally! :) I thought it would be nice to bake some treats, it will both show part of who I am and also provide an ice breaker I suppose.

Well, that's about all. I don't have much else I can share right now, but when I do-I'll be back.

Oh, we probably won't know if she chooses to match with us until Tuesday or Wednesday-maybe longer. I'm really hoping we know sooner than later. It'll be exciting to go shopping on Black Friday. ;)

The call

     So today while I was out having lunch with the kids, my phone rang.I didn't recognize the number and was going to ignore it while I ate, but decided at the last second to answer it. I am so glad that I did, because low and behold, it was the agency calling! A birth mom chose our match letter and wants to meet us!! I went outside to take the call, people walked past looking at me like I was crazy as I sat on the ground ferociously scribbling notes. I went back into the kids, they were excited and nervous,not knowing why I had to go outside. I broke the news and together we stood in the middle of the restaurant, crying tears of joy.
I quickly called Joe and puked out the information. Poor guy, I think his heart was going to explode as I uttered the words-"we got a call, our letter was chosen!" We are going out to meet the birthmom next week. I can hardly wait.I am so very thankful that I have a busy week ahead of me, otherwise I will go crazy with anticipation.
     I'm not ready to share details yet, but I promise as soon as we know anything I will share. Until then, I will be fervently praying for the baby, birthmom and our family.
     PRAISE THE LORD!!! HE IS SO GOOD!! His ways and  His plans are always perfect, even when we don't see the bigger picture.

Staying busy...

So I have decided that since I can't control this adoption, I am at the complete mercy of God and the birth families, I would find some way, any way to be proactive. Which I have. I have been a busy bee! I have set up an online tee shirt fundraiser with a super cute custom designed TEE SHIRT. I am hoping that we will reach our goal of 50 shirts. Not only will we raise money for the adoption, but we will increase awareness as well. Its a win win! I have also set up an only auction with the books and CD's that were donated by some very famous people : ) Books and CD's It's quite exciting. I have also filled out all of the paperwork and am just about ready to send in the grant applications. WooHoo! It feels so good to be actually doing something and not just waiting. Oh and I also set up a match letter on an outside adoption site to increase exposure. Outside match letter No news from anything yet, but in time!!

For now, that is all. I am just very happy to be active. Phew! Sigh of relief, I'm not falling into a weird dysfunct state of sorts. :)

And the wait continues

No news, just an update on the wait.

We have been in the matchbook for 6 months (and 1 week) now. However, it truly feels like it has been years. The waiting is painful! I mentioned in a previous post or two, that we had been contacted by the agency three times to determine if we were interested in being presented. Two of which we said YES, one we declined. Other than that, there hasn't been any activity.

We call our case worker often, I think she is tired of us. She says we aren't bothering her and that we are making it easier on her since she is supposed to contact us once a month, but somehow I think we are more of an annoyance than anything.

For awhile there I stopped doing anything baby related. I stopped making diapers, blankets, stuffed animals...everything. We had the crib in our room, but I had to take it out. The daily reminder of an empty bed was just too much to bear. Yesterday, I did go out with Joe and bought a glider. When the lady we were buying it stepped out of her van-belly and all, I seriously almost puked. My heart tore in half and I felt so stupid. Here I am, buying stuff for a baby that I have no idea when we will have, and she's pregnant. I was able to hold the tears back and put on a friendly facade, but I really just wanted to run away and lock myself in a dark closet. It's not that I wasn't happy for her, I am. It's just hard. Honestly, it isn't something you can empathize with unless you've been in a similar situation. I never related to families that are barren, not when I had my hysterectomy,not when I was left because I couldn't bear children, not when I was called to adopt, but when the wait became a reality and I realized completely that I am at the mercy of God and a birthfamily. Now, I can relate, understand and empathize.

Don't get me wrong here, I totally trust God. I know He will provide, but I am human and my human nature wants to make sense of the situation and put everything into neat little boxes. My human self wants to know when, where and how, and because my human side can't be appeased I get anxious, excited and frustrated. I keep trying to make sense of everything, trying to make it fit into boxes, but so far it hasn't worked. Every chance I had to make a wish, 11:11, birthday candles, shooting stars, my wish was the same, that we would get a call before my birthday. My birthday passed last week. Butterflies have been everywhere lately, and they symbolize change, so I was convinced that meant the baby was coming. The butterflies have since decreased in number and I've come to realize that they are just butterflies, not secret messengers. I have to remember that my time is NOT the same as that of God.

My other problem-shhh don't tell anyone, but I have this compulsive habit of checking the match letter page for the agency to see if there have been any new matches made, new adoptive families added, or if adoptive families that were on hold have had their baby placed. There are currently 19 families awaiting a baby, yesterday there were 20. We are now number 12 on the list-not that it matters, it isn't a waiting order like that. I know the names and faces of the other families....I've read their match letters, compared our families...it's crazt I know, but I can't help myself. I tried to make a promise to myself that I wouldn't check for a week, but that seriously lasted about 4 hours. I check the site several times a day-it has to be unhealthy.

AHHHH I feel so twisted inside. I don't know how to feel. I just want some progress, some answers, some sense.

So I guess now I am rambling and I look like an obsessive lunatic, so I will sign off....I will post more later, hopefully with a more positive update.

In the meantime

We have found that if we sit still waiting for the call, we will go crazy! The negative whispers of "you're not good enough", "you'll never have a baby", "rejection"...become screams.

Its hard, everywhere we go there is someone with a baby or pregnant, in the news there are stories of horrible offenses against children, clinics are providing abortions, all the while, our open arms are left empty.

We do our best to stay busy and maintain some semblance of normalcy around the house, but we also live with hopeful expectation that today is the day. We have the crib built, the play pen set up, the swing ready to go. I've sewn cloth diapers, made a blanket and a teddy bear. We've bought some clothing, but not much, you can only buy so much yellow and green. I take daily doses of fenugreek and chaste berry to  help induce lactation so we can nurse the baby. We have a car seat and monitor ready to be put into use. We have a name picked out. Everything is in order...we just wait.

I will continue to post about the waiting process, the struggles and hurdles, but hopefully not too many posts. I would much rather prefer to share the arrival of our little one and all the joys, fears and milestones associated with a baby.

We wait...and wait...

 Along with all the paperwork we filled out, we had to answer questions regarding the child we wish to have placed with us. Gender, race, exposure to drugs/alcohol, birth mom mental, physical and criminal history, birth father mental, physical and criminal history, exposure to STD's...so many options. Really?!?!? We just want a baby! On a serious note though, we took the time to carefully answer the questions. Do we want a boy or a girl? Either. Race? No preference. exposure to drugs and alcohol? We went with mild to moderate. Mental, physical and criminal history? We noted no preference, the baby will be more a product of nurture than nature. Exposure to STD's? We opted not to go with HIV/AIDS, just because we have to consider Killian, Keagan and Brooke, and we aren't willing to expose them to a disease like that.

With all our answers, the agency coded us, which means the pregnancy counselors know which match letters to present based on the circumstances of the birth family. Honestly, with our answers, matching us should be fairly easy. We are open to lots of situations. Usually you don't know when you are being presented to a birth family, but there are always situations that change the rules.

We got a call from our worker, there was a birthmom in the office and they wanted to know if we were interested in being presented. My initial reaction was YES!! PRESENT US!! But after getting the facts, talking to Joe, crying on my mom's shoulder, doing research and wrestling with God, we came to the conclusion that we wouldn't be capable of providing for all the special needs associated with that baby.That was a horribly hard realization. We were not prepared at all to say no, but in the end, we had to do what was best for the baby. Sadly, the baby wasn't expected to live for very long after birth.

We continued to wait, and wait and wait...then we got another call asking if we were interested in being presented. It was another special circumstance situation, in which our coding didn't quite match, but our caseworker thought we would be interested. We got the facts, did research, prayed and decided that YES, we wanted to be presented!! It felt so right and we really thought it would be a match. After a long weekend, and reading a post on facebook from a fellow adoptive mom with the agency, I knew we were not chosen. Joe called our worker to confirm, we were devastated, but kept moving forward.

Again, we got a call. What is going on?!?!?! Pretty much without thought we said yes, present us!  That was on a Thursday, we were told the family would make a decision by Tuesday. WE were super excited, she was due any day, a little girl! Come Tuesday the phone rang, it was the agency, my heart stopped.She asked how I was? I replied, well, it depends on what you have to tell me. She told me that a match was made, but not with our family. DEVASTATION!! I was thankful to be home alone that day, I spent a great deal of time crying and grieving.

We decided that we really don't want to know when we are presented, its just too hard to accept the rejection. But honestly, if our worker called right now and asked if we wanted to be presented, we would say yes.