More on the decision

OK, I have had some time to process and get more information. Joe called our CW to find out what went wrong, I mean the meeting was so great. We had a wonderful connection-or so we thought. Our CW called me back, she was very sad for us, but she is also super supportive and has a way of putting things into a different perspective. She doesn't pull any punches, which is nice, she just tells you how it is. She explained that T opted to look at another family for two reasons 1) she was worried about our marriage, apparently we interrupted each other while speaking. Maybe we did, but we were nervous and also, after being together for so long, couples tend to finish thoughts and sentences for one another. Oh well. 2) she felt our reason for adoption was simply a whim. WHAT?!?! Yeah, people decide on a whim to adopt....ugh! What a punch to the gut. Our CW also said that T is very much on the fence with placing and the facts that she waited so long in the pregnancy to start looking at families and also that she is wavering on families, are very bad signs. We have come to the understanding that it is better to have a small (although it feels huge) hurt now, than to have the pain of losing the baby after a few days. As our CW said, "sometimes GOd's rejection, is really His protection."

I am struggling, my heart hurts and I feel like we really blew it, but I am doing my best into turn to God and just let his mercy wash over me. I know that this was not our one and only opportunity and God will provide, it's just gonna take some time to heal.

This struggle will make us stronger and we will be ok. I just hope and pray that the wait isn't forever long for our next opportunity. I can hardly wait to bring our baby home. I am looking into some outreach opportunities, we plan to "list" with a few other agencies outside of AZ.

T's decision

This post will be short....the PW called, T has decided to meet another family and not pursue further interaction with us.

There isn't much to share, the phone rang, I answered, the PW was brief, stating the facts and telling me that she would keep me posted if there were any changes. I said ok, thank you and basically hung up. I couldn't bear to be on the phone any longer than that.

I will post more later.

Post meeting

Well, we are back from the meeting and I must say, it went super amazingly well. We got there early (of course right?), and we sat in the lobby waiting. You have to sign in and we were right next to the sign in desk so we decided to move across the room. We were able to see T, when she waled in. She is a tiny brunette, barely 18 years old, with a wealth of life across her face. As she walked in, we said hello (as we did with everyone walking through the doors), she said hi, kept walking then turned around with a grin, pointed and said "I know you from your picture". She sat down and we made small talk and invited her to have her mother sit in on the "meeting" before she actually signed in and the pregnancy worker was notified. The PW came and got T, and then a few minutes later we were shown the way. We sat down in the room and tried to be at ease, but we were nervous and excited. We presented our snacks, which went over quite well, and we proceeded to just chat. Joe and I shared about who we are, the kids and just basic stuff. It was like we were all old friends just catching up. We laughed and giggled. T asked a few questions, are we smokers, why did we choose adoption, how do the kids do in school, do we have a name picked out...her mom wanted to know our testimonies. We talked about tv, cooking, pranks and just random everyday things. Our meeting was cut short since the PW had another appointment. Joe and I stopped in to talk to our caseworker, she was excited and happy for us, but reminded us that T is on the fence. T stayed behind to speak with the PW and her mom went out to smoke. As Joe and I left, we had to walk past her, so we exchanged pleasantries, she wanted to talk though, so we obliged. She wanted to know our take on salvation in regards to falling off the path and what we meant by open adoption (she really wants to be involved). We were just us, honest and straight. We continued to chat for a bit before T came out and we all just stood around talking. We spent about 30 minutes in the parking lot, nobody seemed to want to end the meeting, but eventually we parted ways.
Joe and I drove home, afraid to be excited, but bursting inside with hope. It seemed to have gone so perfectly. Time will tell. Now we just wait for a call from the PW to see if T would like to meet again, trade contact info, move forward......it's going to be a LONG night. 

Getting ready for the meeting

Well, the week has gone by surprisingly fast. I am so excited and slightly nervous about Monday. We were told to prepare some questions and take some pictures along-so I am trying to find pictures that really show who we are, but aren't over the top.I don't want to make this girl think we are crazy, I just want her to see the true us. Anyway, I guess I haven't been too stressed out, nervous or scared, which is rare for me, because I have completely put my trust in God. I know that He has plans for me, for my family and that He will never harm us.

I so want to share every detail about the baby, the BM and everything in between, but I promised myself that until I have anything concrete, I am going to keep it quiet and just keep praying. Just know this-I am already head over heels in love with the baby and super excited at the prospect of adding the BM to our family as well.

I think that tomorrow I will probably start to get very anxious, and come Monday morning, I will be a scatter brained zombie. I have my outfit picked out, I have pictures being printed, I am ready to be open, honest and completely transparent. I will be making some cookies and brownies tomorrow night. Sweet right? Ha, both literally and sentimentally! :) I thought it would be nice to bake some treats, it will both show part of who I am and also provide an ice breaker I suppose.

Well, that's about all. I don't have much else I can share right now, but when I do-I'll be back.

Oh, we probably won't know if she chooses to match with us until Tuesday or Wednesday-maybe longer. I'm really hoping we know sooner than later. It'll be exciting to go shopping on Black Friday. ;)

The call

     So today while I was out having lunch with the kids, my phone rang.I didn't recognize the number and was going to ignore it while I ate, but decided at the last second to answer it. I am so glad that I did, because low and behold, it was the agency calling! A birth mom chose our match letter and wants to meet us!! I went outside to take the call, people walked past looking at me like I was crazy as I sat on the ground ferociously scribbling notes. I went back into the kids, they were excited and nervous,not knowing why I had to go outside. I broke the news and together we stood in the middle of the restaurant, crying tears of joy.
I quickly called Joe and puked out the information. Poor guy, I think his heart was going to explode as I uttered the words-"we got a call, our letter was chosen!" We are going out to meet the birthmom next week. I can hardly wait.I am so very thankful that I have a busy week ahead of me, otherwise I will go crazy with anticipation.
     I'm not ready to share details yet, but I promise as soon as we know anything I will share. Until then, I will be fervently praying for the baby, birthmom and our family.
     PRAISE THE LORD!!! HE IS SO GOOD!! His ways and  His plans are always perfect, even when we don't see the bigger picture.

Staying busy...

So I have decided that since I can't control this adoption, I am at the complete mercy of God and the birth families, I would find some way, any way to be proactive. Which I have. I have been a busy bee! I have set up an online tee shirt fundraiser with a super cute custom designed TEE SHIRT. I am hoping that we will reach our goal of 50 shirts. Not only will we raise money for the adoption, but we will increase awareness as well. Its a win win! I have also set up an only auction with the books and CD's that were donated by some very famous people : ) Books and CD's It's quite exciting. I have also filled out all of the paperwork and am just about ready to send in the grant applications. WooHoo! It feels so good to be actually doing something and not just waiting. Oh and I also set up a match letter on an outside adoption site to increase exposure. Outside match letter No news from anything yet, but in time!!

For now, that is all. I am just very happy to be active. Phew! Sigh of relief, I'm not falling into a weird dysfunct state of sorts. :)

And the wait continues

No news, just an update on the wait.

We have been in the matchbook for 6 months (and 1 week) now. However, it truly feels like it has been years. The waiting is painful! I mentioned in a previous post or two, that we had been contacted by the agency three times to determine if we were interested in being presented. Two of which we said YES, one we declined. Other than that, there hasn't been any activity.

We call our case worker often, I think she is tired of us. She says we aren't bothering her and that we are making it easier on her since she is supposed to contact us once a month, but somehow I think we are more of an annoyance than anything.

For awhile there I stopped doing anything baby related. I stopped making diapers, blankets, stuffed animals...everything. We had the crib in our room, but I had to take it out. The daily reminder of an empty bed was just too much to bear. Yesterday, I did go out with Joe and bought a glider. When the lady we were buying it stepped out of her van-belly and all, I seriously almost puked. My heart tore in half and I felt so stupid. Here I am, buying stuff for a baby that I have no idea when we will have, and she's pregnant. I was able to hold the tears back and put on a friendly facade, but I really just wanted to run away and lock myself in a dark closet. It's not that I wasn't happy for her, I am. It's just hard. Honestly, it isn't something you can empathize with unless you've been in a similar situation. I never related to families that are barren, not when I had my hysterectomy,not when I was left because I couldn't bear children, not when I was called to adopt, but when the wait became a reality and I realized completely that I am at the mercy of God and a birthfamily. Now, I can relate, understand and empathize.

Don't get me wrong here, I totally trust God. I know He will provide, but I am human and my human nature wants to make sense of the situation and put everything into neat little boxes. My human self wants to know when, where and how, and because my human side can't be appeased I get anxious, excited and frustrated. I keep trying to make sense of everything, trying to make it fit into boxes, but so far it hasn't worked. Every chance I had to make a wish, 11:11, birthday candles, shooting stars, my wish was the same, that we would get a call before my birthday. My birthday passed last week. Butterflies have been everywhere lately, and they symbolize change, so I was convinced that meant the baby was coming. The butterflies have since decreased in number and I've come to realize that they are just butterflies, not secret messengers. I have to remember that my time is NOT the same as that of God.

My other problem-shhh don't tell anyone, but I have this compulsive habit of checking the match letter page for the agency to see if there have been any new matches made, new adoptive families added, or if adoptive families that were on hold have had their baby placed. There are currently 19 families awaiting a baby, yesterday there were 20. We are now number 12 on the list-not that it matters, it isn't a waiting order like that. I know the names and faces of the other families....I've read their match letters, compared our families...it's crazt I know, but I can't help myself. I tried to make a promise to myself that I wouldn't check for a week, but that seriously lasted about 4 hours. I check the site several times a day-it has to be unhealthy.

AHHHH I feel so twisted inside. I don't know how to feel. I just want some progress, some answers, some sense.

So I guess now I am rambling and I look like an obsessive lunatic, so I will sign off....I will post more later, hopefully with a more positive update.